Glory Of Love

Throughout time, man has always questioned the universe. Is there a God? Are there such things as fate or destiny?

Me? I've always known.

There is a God, and He's very angry. He's not sure if man, offspring of Adam and Eve, is worthy to live in the world that He created for them. So He's testing them. He's sending angels to earth to battle man. But man is not completely dimwitted. They are fighting back. Man has created Evangelion, a sort of large robot piloted by children, to save themselves from the angels. They do not know that God's wrath is almost upon them, but they continue to fight none-the-less.

And what of fate? Yes, there are such things as fate and destiny. For as long as I can remember I have known my destiny. I am to destroy mankind.

My name is Nagisa Kaoru. I am the Angel Tabris. I am an angel, and yet I am a part of mankind as well. From heaven, sent by God, yet born from woman on earth. I was raised as a human, but held the knowledge of angels. The telekinetic power of angels, confined within the body of a human boy. I have no real place, an outcast of both worlds.

All of this I've always accepted to be true and valid. I accepted the fact that by reaching Adam, the source of all humans, that I would attain eternal life in a completely angelic body, devoid of the human half I now possess. There was no real doubt in my mind, no real sympathy for the race I knew I would destroy.

That is, until I met... him. Ikari Shinji. The "amazing third child". The third child chosen to pilot an Eva (short for Evangelion). And amazing he is. There is something about him that draws me to him in a way I never knew one being could be drawn to another. With just one look, he has the ability to affect something deep inside me that I never knew I possessed. Ah, but I digress. Let me start at the beginning...

~

The first time I saw him, he was standing on the shore, a long deserted beach, staring out at the vastness of greenish-blue that was the ocean. Silently, I crept up behind him, and took up a perch on a large rock to his left. Too wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn't even notice my presence.

I was just planning on watching him, seeing what I was up against, since I knew that if I were to reach Adam I would have to go through him and his Eva Unit 01. Yes, humans may be dim, but not stupid. They don't know exactly how essential Adam's well being is to their existence, but they still keep him hidden and protected.

But, as I sat there, intently studying the face of Shinji, I felt a pull towards him. As I memorized his profile, the messy brown bangs hanging half into deeply intense royal blue eyes rimmed with sadness and despair, the small, soft looking, pale lips, and the creamy, white cheeks that still hadn't lost all of their baby roundness, I felt a stirring deep within me, as if a part of me was desperately trying to leap out of my body towards this boy I hadn't even formally met.

And what affected me even more was the fact that such horrible intense emotions emanated from him. Loneliness, despair, and abandonment seemed to consume his spirit and being, clouding all his thoughts.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I began humming Beethoven's Ode to Joy. Starting out slow and gradually crescendoing, I caught Shinji's attention. As he turned towards me, and I felt his penetrating gaze boaring into me, my soft tenor voice faltered, and I was barely able to stutter out the words, "A song is good!"

"Eh?" With that one little noise my spirit seemed to soar. His soft voice struck a cord in me, and I found myself desperately wanting to continue conversing with the boy, just to hear that lovely voice speak to me once again.

"A song supplies us with joy. A song is the highest culture that humans have created. Don't you think so, Ikari Shinji-kun?" [1]

"You know my name?"

"Everyone knows your name. I'm surprised that you don't realize that you are akin to a celebrity."

"Well, who are you?"

"I'm Kaoru. Nagisa Kaoru. Just like you are, I am one of the chosen children. I am the fifth child."

"Fifth child!? You are an Eva pilot also, Nagisa-kun?"

"Call me Kaoru, Ikari-kun."

"Alright, then call me Shinji."

At that point, I began laughing. My first real laugh since my birth on this earth. And just because I had permission to call this 14-year-old boy, this young human child who is suppose to be my enemy, Shinji. But, if this was so wrong, why did it feel so right?

~

The next day, I had tests at NERV headquarters in an Evangelion. I was posing as a pilot to gain entrance to the NERV facility stationed in Japan, where Adam was being held. But that also meant that I would be spending more time with Shinji-kun. No matter how hard I tried to quell my feelings, the fact was that I felt elated at being able to see my Shinji-kun again.

Ever since meeting him on the beach, I had taken to mentally calling him my Shinji-kun. The angel in me, and my common sense, tried to reject the name, and the thoughts and feelings that came with it. Yet I refused to give up the term of endearment... and I wasn't even really sure why...

After the tests were completed, I slowly exited the testing area, and planned to look around a bit before heading to the small apartment generously provided to me by NERV. But as the electric door glided open, I quietly gasped and stopped short, feeling a smile break out on my face despite myself. There sat Shinji, adorably looking up at me from his position seated on a beach.

Slightly incredulous, I asked my Shinji-kun, "You were waiting for me?"

Quickly his gaze traveled down to the hands he was wringing in his lap, and a blush painted his cheeks a gorgeous shade of pale pink that made my stomach flutter. Nervously, he stuttered, "Oh, no I did... I didn't mean to."

"Well, what do you usually do after testing?" I said, trying to cover up my disappointment that he wasn't really waiting for me. But then again, why was my little Shinji-kun so embarrassed?

"I was going to have a bath before I went home. But, I don't want to go home these days."

Convincing myself that it's just to learn more about him so I can better defeat him, even as my stomach filled with butterflies, I stated, "I want to talk with you some more. May I go with you?"

"Eh?"

"I mean to the bath?" I press further. "Aren't you going to the bath?"

"Yeah..."

I smiled brightly. "Then shall we go?"

With a small smile of his own, he nodded and then began leading the way down the large white hallway.

~

In silence, we sat side by side in the enticingly hot water. Steam clouded the room, giving everything a shimmery, mystical feel, as if none of this was fully real.

Amazingly, this dreamlike atmosphere boosted my confidence, and even as my stomach tied itself into knots, I found myself talking, analyzing him from the thoughts and emotions my angel side was able to catch and read emanating from him. "You avoid contact of the first kind at all costs. Do you fear to feel other people? Being ignorant of others, you will never be betrayed or hurt, though you will never escape from feeling sadness."

Smiling, I looked through the foggy air at my Shinji-kun. He stared back at me with such earnest, interested eyes, incredulous that I could read him so well and yearning to hear more. So I fulfilled the question his eyes invoked of me, and continued with what I had learned of humans from living among them for the past 15 years of my existence on earth. "A person cannot erase sadness forever. Everyone is alone. However, people can forget, and so they are able to live."

And saying this, saying these words, I finally understood. Yes, everyone is alone. I am alone. But they are able to forget this aloneness through being with another person... through love. Love. That is the indescribable feeling that has been tugging at me since I met my Shinji-kun. Love...

In that moment, it didn't matter that we were both male, of different races (human and angel), that fate was to tear us apart, that we were destined from birth to be enemies and that in the end only one of us would survive. Love has the power to transcend all of that, and bring us happiness in togetherness. Man might always be alone, but they do not have to feel loneliness if they have love.

Suddenly, the lights in the room shut off, and the running water in the bath ceased to flow. "It's time."

Confused, I asked, "It's over?"

"We have to go to bed."

"Together with you?"

Ah, that lovely blushing face again. I swear, I say things like that just to see his perfect little cheek flush. Nervously, he stampers, "Ah... no, you are provided with your own, different room."

For a moment, I sensed a strong emotion from my Shinji-kun, one he shouldn't have to feel. Pain... not physical, but deep inside of him... in his heart. Did I cause that pain in him? How could I right this?

I began to analyze him again, "Well, people always feel pain in their hearts. The heart is easy to wound, that's why living is painful. In particular, your heart is fragile like glass."

Slowly, he turned away from the clock on the wall and faced me, his gaze catching my own. Our eyes locked, and the intenseness of his royal blue meeting my own red irises was so strong it almost knocked me off my feet. "Me?"

But I barely heard his question, too taken with the beauty of the boy looking up at me. Uncontiously, not even realizing I was saying it aloud, I mumbled, "Worthy of love."

"Love?"

I didn't mean to speak those words, but... but it just felt right. It felt so right to tell him, to proclaim my feelings for him... for my sweet, dear Shinji-kun. So scared and unsure, has he even been told by someone that they loved him? Is that why he feels pain in his heart? This... this is the way I can remedy this.

Brushing my long, gray bangs out of my face, I smiled. "I mean, I love you."

~

"Really, I should be on the floor," I said, almost pleadingly.

"Oh, you shouldn't. It's me who asked you to let me stay here. It's okay if I sleep on the floor."

Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced down at the makeshift bed we had set up adjacent to my own. It's occupant lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hid face an emotionless mask. I noticed him open his mouth as if to speak, then close it again silently. Trying to entice conversation out of him, I began, "What do you want to say?"

"Eh?"

"You have something that you want me to hear."

For a moment, he paused, his face still unreadable. Then suddenly, his quiet voice cut through the air, startling me even as it calmed me to my very core. "I've experienced many things since I came here. I was at my teacher's before. Silent and calm days. I did nothing but exist. That was fine with me. I had nothing to do."

"You dislike people?"

"Well, I don't really care. Except for my father, who I hate."

I felt the flush of hatred in him at the mention of his father, and briefly I wondered what that man could have done to receive those horrid feelings from this perfect boy. Yet, I quickly pushed those thoughts aside, focusing on more important things.

Happily, I laughed, rolling onto my side facing my Shinji-kun and propped my head up with my arm. "I think I was born to meet you."

Leisurely, he sat up, so that our eyes were level with each other. As those powerful blue orbs gazed incredulously into mine, I felt my heart leap into my throat. It took me a moment to realize that he was speaking again.

"Earlier, you said that you loved me. Did you really mean that?"

Still lost in his gorgeous eyes, I raised a shaky hand and nervously caressed his cheek, grinning despite myself. "With all my heart and soul," I said with as much earnest as I could muster.

Slowly, his eyes closed, and he nuzzled his face into my palm ever so lightly, clearly enjoying my gentle stroking of his ever so soft cheek. "I love you, too," he whispered.

My heart leaped for joy as his soft words registered in my brain. I crawled out of my bed and onto the floor, sitting cross-legged before my Shinji-kun. Gently, as not to frighten or hurt him, I wrapped my arms around his slim body, pulling him into my embrace. As I felt his arms reach up to wrap around me also, I buried my head into his neck, enjoying the bitter-sweetness of hugging my love, and yet my enemy.

Blinking back tears, I pulled back slightly, just enough to be able to look into my Shinji-kun's face. As if following some none existent cue, we both leaned forward at the same time, brushing our lips together in the gentlest of kisses.

As I felt Shinji shyly deepen the kiss, I silently sent a feverent prayer up to the heavens above. 'Tomorrow we will be enemies, but please, God, let us have tonight. Let us have this one perfect night!'

~

Now, I sit here on the floor of my room, my Shinji-kun's head cradled in my lap, as I gently stroke his soft, brown hair. How can I leave him here? How can I destroy him? And yet, I know I must. It's my destiny...

I raise my head, looking up towards God. 'How could you do this to me? To us? How could you let me fall in love with the one person I'm destined to battle and destroy? Is this your idea of a joke?'

For a moment I continue to stare up at the heavens, then quietly laugh, bitterness laced in the sound. Did I actually expect an answer?

I gaze back down at my Shinji-kun... at the sweet, young innocence that appears to be projected from every one of his features. From his light brown hair, which my hands still absently stroke, to his pale pink lips which are still slightly swollen from my kisses. His heart is as fragile as glass... how can I risk shattering that... but will it really matter? If I reach Adam and succeed... mankind will be... my Shinji-kun will be... destroyed...

I glance out the window to see the sun just begin to reach over the tops of the buildings in this modern city of Tokyo. Funny, that I never noticed before how beautiful the skyline could be. How amazingly gorgeous a simple thing like the skyline could be. It is as if all my senses have been dead for the past 15 years, and love has suddenly opened myself up to the world. Ever since the bath, after realizing my feelings for my Shinji-kun, I have been noticing things I never thought about before. The crisp, clean smell of the sheets I'm lying on. The sound of another person's light breathing as it slips out between his gently parted lips.

I am suddenly bathed in light from the sun. I glance back out the window, noticing the sunrise in its full glory. It's time.

Delicately, I bend down and lift my sweet Shinji-kun into my arms, carefully cradling him against my chest. Walking the two feet over to my bed, I softly lay him down, covering him with the blankets at the foot of the bed. He mumbles quietly in his sleep, and half reaches out for my warmth.

My heart seems to break at the sight of him. My eyes misting over with tears, I lean down and hug my Shinji-kun, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. "My Shinji-kun... suki da... zutto..." [2] I whisper, reluctantly pulling away.

I exit the room quickly, knowing that if I turn back now, even if for a second, I would run back to that bed and never leave my Shinji-kun again.

~

With a false smile plastered on my face, I look up into the red metal robotic face of Eva Unit 02. Using my angelic powers, I step into the air, floating gracefully. With a nod I speak to Unit 02. "Come alter ego of Adam, servant of man. Let us go."

~

Arms wide open, palms directed up towards the heavens, I descend Terminal Dogma, Eva Unit 02 at my side. From the inter-wide NERV communication system, I hear Shinji's heart broken voice shouting. "NO, NO, NO, IT MUST BE A LIE! Kaoru-kun is an angel? That MUST BE A LIE!"

The smile that seems to perpetually grace my lips falters slightly, but I refuse to let it slip away. I must complete my mission. I must fulfill my destiny!

Mere moments later I hear Unit 01 plummeting towards me, my Shinji-kun's voice, hoarse from his tears and sobs, screaming his emotional agony at the top of his lungs in passionate accusations. "You betrayed me! You betrayed my heart! You betrayed me like my father! Kaoru-kun, how could you? HOW COULD YOU?!"

I refuse to let myself look in his direction. I want nothing more than to turn around and tell him that it's not true. That I love him with all my heart, that I have not betrayed him. And yet, I continue to grin, as if oblivious to the heartbreaking howls of pain from my Shinji-kun.

With a hand motion so graceful that it could rival that of any professional dancer's, I motion for Unit 02 to attack Unit 01, bowing my head so as not to see the look of utter horror that I know is etched into my Shinji-kun's sweet, innocent face.

I almost laugh with the irony of it all, the contradiction of my actions. How is it that I can call this boy my Shinji-kun, and yet allow him to participate in a needless battle started by my own hands?

No time to consider it now, for I have reached ground level of Terminal Dogma. Before me stands the massive body of Adam, eerily preserved on the gigantic cross he was crucified on.

This is it. I glide over and up, so that I am even with Adam's eyes. All I have to do is destroy him. One little touch of my currently glowing hand will release my Angelic energy into Adam, annihilating him, and it will in turn annihilate all of mankind, for everyone, even Eve, is derived from Adam. He is the source of all human existence on earth.

"Adam, I have come to destroy you."

/Why?/

"I am destined to end mankind's existence. To do that, I must destroy you."

/Is this truly what you desire?/

"………yes…"

/Then why are you crying?/

I hadn't even realized until he pointed it out that I am crying. Long silver tracks run down my cheeks, reflected in the glassy eyes of the giant before me. But I am still grinning. It is as if this grin is a lifeline… the very tip of the cliff that I was able to grasp hold of as I dangle over the edge. And if I let this grin slip, I slip along with it… I fall off that cliff into the nothingness below…

/You do not want to do this./

"It is not about what I want. It never has been. It is about what I must do."

/You do not have to do this./

"Yes I do! It is… it is my destiny! The sole purpose for my existence on this earth! I must…'

/And yet, you do not want to./

"I… I used to… It was all I cared about, focused on! But then… Shinji…"

/You love him./

"……yes…"

/What awaits you when you annihilate mankind?/

"Eternal life."

/Alone?/

"Yes."

/Will you not be lonely?/

I laugh bitterly. "Funny, I did not even realize what loneliness was, did not realize that it was loneliness that ate away at my very being, every moment of every day of every hour… that is, until I met my Shinji-kun. And now… I do not believe I can live with that feeling again. I do not believe that I could live with that hollow ache… the emptiness in my soul that only Shinji has the ability to fill…"

/Then why are you about to annihilate him?/

"…it is.. God's will… if I do not do this of my own volition… He'll… He'll impose His will upon me and force me to…"

/Not if you destroy the last remaining vessel upon which he is able to impose his will. You are the last surviving earth-bound Angel, correct?/

"Yes."

/Rather than destroy Shinji… destroy this innocent soul who has done nothing but love you and fight for mankind… let this pure soul destroy you./

I pause, contemplating it. Let my Shinji-kun… kill me… It all made sense, the obvious solution. This time, my grin is not a lifeline, but a ray of hope for my dear Shinji's life. "Arigato." [3]

/I bid you farewell, my sweet Kaoru. May God have mercy on your soul, for you truly are honorable whether you fulfill his will or not./

With a nod and a sad smile, I turn back towards the battle as Unit 02 falls. Before I even have time to react, the massive hand of Unit 01 closes around me. I force myself not to flinch as cold metal engulfs me, not tight enough to crush me, but rendering my body immobile except for my head, which is the only thing not covered by the robotic hand.

I look up into Evangelion Unit 01's face, into the robot that is so synchronized with my Shinji-kun that it's eyes reflect the heartache and anguish of it's pilot, as Shinji speaks. "Kaoru, why?"

"I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty."

"W-what are you talking about? Kaoru-kun! I don't understand what you're talking about! Kaoru-kun!"

"Now, please erase me. Otherwise you will be erased. The life that escapes the time of annihilation, and that obtains the future, is only one. And, you are not the one who must die. All of you need the future. Thank you. I am glad to have met you."

"E-erase you? No! I… I will not kill you! I cannot… I love you!"

I use my powers to look through Unit 01 to Shinji-kun's face, to the eyes that are red and swollen from crying, to the cheeks that still glisten with tears. Finally, I allow my grin to leave my face. The cliff no longer exists. All that remains is the boy in front of me, who I love and must convince to end my life so that his may continue.

"Please… it is my final wish… koi. [4] Let me die so that you may live. It is one or the other. Only one of us will leave here alive, and I will not let it be me."

I gaze at him, and watch the silvery rivers of tears stream down his pale cheeks. His eyes have that haunted look of pain in them again, and his sweet lips form the word no again and again, a silent mantra. I refuse to break out gaze, and finally my Shinji-kun nods slowly, defeated. Staring straight into his sad blue eyes, I mouth out the one phrase that puts into words my very soul. "Shinji-koi, ai shiteru." [5]

As I feel the robotic hand snuff out my life, I throw my head back, looking up to the heavens.

Kami-sama, forgive me, for I have sinned… [6]



[1] -kun : suffix added to a name; used as a term of endearment

[2] suki da… zutto : I love you… forever

[3] arigato : thank you

[4] koi : my love

[5] Shinji-koi, ai shiteru : Shinji, my love, I love you (ai shiteru and suki da both mean "I love you" but ai shiteru expressed much deeper and stronger emotions that suki da)

[6] Kami-sama : God